Were are you from?
People with lovely smiles and loving hearts invariably start our acquaintanceship with this question and I shrink away from them and the answer. I feel like running away.
Where does this question come from?
I voiced my feelings to people trying to be nice to me and I feel now I know more why this is the single most heard sentence in my life. People with lovely smiles feel they can use this question to
1.connect to me by embracing part of my history
2.express interest with enquiring about me and not starting off offering information about themselves
3.find common interest by mentioning their ties to my country (either the time of their visit or people they knew from there, often turning out to be a different country in the end. Very rarely badly memorized single words.)
4.satisfy their curiosity about my accent
All these intentions are positive, mark of a well-meaning conversationist and I appreciate the kindness people intend to approach me with.
Why is this question mark of casual or superficial racism?
1.I feel the other is not interested in me. Instead of connecting to me as a person they end up connecting to ideas that I do not feel close to (that’s why I decided to leave them behind and move to the other end of the world.) I do not know much anymore about the place either that I left a decade ago and never took much interest in since.
2.Genuine interest emerges from observation and not assumption. You love my scarf? Have seen my photos? Know this music? Make one positive remark about and connect to anything you see on me and I guarantee the conversation will fly. Assume things about me and you’ll make me fearful and apprehensive.
3.Often people know justifiably but embarrassingly little about remote, specific parts of the world (including me). It is a rewarding tactic to ask or enquire open questions instead of relying on assumptions or offering specific knowledge. The reason why I say that is that I find it awfully, awkwardly difficult to be able to relate to a.) past, half-remembered holidays of your to a place where I don’t wish to be b.) people I have never and will never see and you don’t remember them either c.) mutilated sounds that disgrace the beauty of my native language. Insightful discussion about a culture that I was exposed to in my early years may be interesting. However, I prefer focusing on my present life, I am way more interested in the culture I am currently, by choice, living.
4.My accent to me is a sign of a foreign previous life. Reminding me of it is not a good idea, even though you casually feel it is fun to hear. Help me loosing it and I’ll thank you. I am here because I want to belong.
So what misconceptions lead to this distressing phenomenon? Why do people feel it is an acceptable way of starting conversation? I can think of a few answers.
a.)Kiwis are not aware that in many cultures national identity is a source of strong misjudgements (in New Zealand as well) and being identified is a cause of fear. You would not guess, but in a group, where romanians are present, it’s not a good idea to make a hungarian talk about their nationality. I don’t wish to be viewed as a cheap thief, a lying, lazy, tricky bastard who was the Germans ass-licking dog in WWII. I wasn’t alive then, I never associated with these ideas and my personality never fitted in with that cultural environment. I am not like that. I LIKE some persons who were by fate born in Romania. Leave me space to find my foothold away from old problems that were heavy and unresolvable enough for me to leave our families and beloved places.
b.)Kiwis don’t realise that this question in itself says “You don’t belong.” It pushes me away from my new home. I feel like running away because knowing you intend to be kind and feeling you being racist at the same time makes it nearly impossible to react well.
c.)People feel accents are cute. I feel my accent is a badge saying “I am not like you!” It’s not fun, it’s not a curiosity or a collectable. It is a shortcoming that I get no support in overcoming. English lessons are offered, but noone helps with speaking “cantabrian”. This way I am exposed to anyone after even saying hello, and people have no mercy, the next one is: “Where are you from?” Be merciful, overlook my accent and see me.
So what to do?
Easy-peasy, ask me personal questions first-off. Observe something on me, make a remark about a common experience we are going through or just ask general questions that you can easily react to. You free me from having to overcome bad memories, prejudices, fears, cultural barriers, emotional misunderstandings and you welcome me as a person in life as we both know it. Thank you.
“Oh, what lovely earrings, I am such an earring-person, where did you get them from?”
“You have a book? Are you a reader? What sort of books do you like?”
“What a windy day, does you hair go crazy too?”
“Do you exercise? You look so sporty!”
“Why are you here? I was invited by a friend, how did you know it was happening?”